Plans

I wish I had interesting things to write about, or beautiful pictures to post. I’m sure if I tried hard enough I could come up with stuff, but to be honest, I have no energy.
I am pretty sure that I am depressed, I don’t know if it’s a culture shock depression, a seasonal depression, or just a general depression, but I know I’m not happy. The symptoms are all there: always tired, no energy, lack of motivation, anger..

I hate the position that I am in, my daily schedule is tedious and tiring. I barely get to see my family and when I do I’m so tired/anxious/frustrated that the time is not really enjoyed. I have an appointment with my Dr in a few weeks to ask for a prescription for anti anxiety meds. The thought was I could use them when I fly, because I am a mess when I fly.. but lately I’ve been thinking they’d be handy in really a lot of my daily life.
I’ve been drinking a lot more than normal too.

I just really miss my life in Mexico. I miss so much about it. Of course there are lots of things that I don’t miss too, but just the general daily life I miss. I was happy when I was there. At the end I had convinced myself I wasn’t. But looking back, I was.

Our plans are getting more firm, we’ve made some commitments and told several people. We are going back to Isla next winter for 4 months. We have some hopes and some dreams and if we work hard enough they’ll come true. I don’t want to write about them here because honestly, I don’t want to jinx it. I’m living for next winter. Every day I think about it. I’m just existing right now and it’s really an awful feeling.

I told my husband today that we’ve switched places. He used to be like me all dark and depressed. Now he’s the happy one and I’m the one barely hanging on. Honestly if it weren’t for the fact that I have a child to take care of and really really loving husband with the feelings that I have right now I’d be in a tough place. Thank God for them. They make it worth while to put on a smile and pretend I’m ok.

Next winter can’t come fast enough. The countdown is at a little more than a year… It’s gonna be a long one.

Finding my place

I don’t fit.

I don’t fit here, I don’t fit there. … sounds like Dr. Seuss, but it’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Not in like a “woe is me” kind of way, but more of just an observation.

I was literally born and raised where we are currently living. BORN and RAISED. These are my people, my family, my language, my town.. what should be my identity, and yet I don’t identify with it. I was walking into my work building today thinking about how I’m different than everyone around me. Not in a good way, not in a bad way, just in a way. I feel like I’m walking around with a big secret, one that no one could possibly understand. I feel like almost everyone in my life only knows the side of me I want them to know, not the whole me.

There are a few people who I think kind of understand me a little, only because they sometimes find themselves in similar situations. But for the most part I feel like a girl without a country. On one hand I don’t feel like I am part of this country, this culture, this lifestyle I am currently living. But on the other, did I ever fully integrate into Mexican culture? No. Can I? I don’t know. Will I be given another chance? Hopefully.

I also feel like the life I was exposed to in Mexico has changed me profoundly. I just look at everything so differently now. I have a hard time finding the motivation to give work “my all” when I feel like my all should go towards my family. Work is a means to an end for me, it’s nothing more and nothing less. But for so many, work is everything. I can’t get behind that idea anymore, even though it was an idea I was raised on. I work because I have to, and if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t work. It’s that simple.

Of course that kind of attitude will get you nowhere in a job, so I keep my mouth shut. I pretend that I feel like everyone else around me and that my job is the most important thing in my life. I sit at my desk wasting my days away. Secretly counting down the time until we go to Mexico. I may not know exactly what I want out of life, but I do know that this isn’t the life I want to lead.

January 2015 cannot come soon enough.

yearly update.

I got me a new keyboard for my ipad, so now I can typ elike a human being rather than a sloth!

 

How are things on the home front? Well … same as usual I guess. Over the last month I got three seperate raises at work, nothing earth shattering, but every little bit helps. We were planning on going back to Mexico for the winter next year, but Amor decided that he thinks we should wait until the winter of 2014-2015. That way we will have saved enough to buy our land and build our house.

 

Baby monkmonk will be two years old by then!.. Time goes by so quickly. At least at two years old, she will be talking so hopefully if her Spanish isn’t good already it will improve while we are there. 

In the mean time I guess we’ll stick to the same thing we’ve been doing for the last year and a half. Dreaming of Mexico and working our lives away.

I have found a few things that make me happy though (aside from being with my family) I have taken up running and yoga, I’ve learned to love to cook and bake, and my photography is coming along pretty well too. 

 

Time for exploring

I’ve talked before about how I have very little time for myself.. And I wrote about that before I had little baby monk monk. Now on top of taking care of her I still have to work full time, do all the normal adult things adults do, find time to work out (lost 10 lbs, 10 more to go!) and still find time for myself. 

One of the good outcomes of constantly being miserable is that I’ve started searching for something that gives me pleasure, and I’ve found a few different things. Now my goal is to become really good at the or two of them. The two flavors of the week? Baking and photography. I’m not saying I want to open my own bakery or be a professional photographer, but I do want people to say yummmmm when they eat something I’ve made or be impressed when they see a picture I’ve taken. 

 

We’ll see how it turns out.

One step forward..

While things have not gotten better, I am taking steps to make them better– at least on my end. 

While I’ve always enjoyed the occasional baking day, I’ve recently found that baking is not only something I enjoy, it’s a major stress reliever. Odd– but true. Even odder that as I am on a diet I discover my love for making desserts. Even more odd, I don’t really have any desire to eat the things I make, I want other people to eat them. 

So I’ve been baking up a storm, and everything has pretty much gotten eaten, but some things go to waste, and I feel bad, but I just can’t stop making things. Its one of the only things I do where I feel good while I’m doing it. Yah I run, but I don’t feel good while I’m running, I feel good after I run. And I play with sam sam and I like that, but usually Amor is right there being a grumpy person and it kind of kills the mood.

I’ve also made an appointment for counseling– I asked Amor to come with, but he said no, so I’m hoping that I can kind of take that time to figure out my own feelings and issues, and once I have a grip on my own things I can more better work with Amor and his issues as well as the issues we have together. 

We’re going back to Mexico next winter, only for the winter though. Economically it’s the dumbest move we could make, but life isn’t all about money and it makes sense in other areas. Sam’s Spanish will really benefit from it, she probably won’t be talking by then, but she’ll hear a lot of it. 

I’m hoping we can get back to where we used to be as a couple as well. And if we can’t… then there probably isn’t any hope for us. But I have faith.

Dreams, Wishes and Wants

I don’t have anywhere near the amount of time I’d like to have, and one of the things I have no time for, unfortunately, is writing in this blog. Not that it matters, I write in this for myself more than anyone, especially since no one reads this🙂

 

That’s ok though, someday I’ll look back on this blog and be able to read all my ramblings. 

Lately I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I thought, a few years ago, that I had found what I wanted to do. Hospitality and Tourism management was going to be my future.. fast forward a few years and I’m no longer living in a very touristy area.. so now what? Theres nothing to say that we won’t end up back in that paradise that we called home for awhile, but I need to have a contingency plan, especially now that we have baby monk monk to thing about.. lets just say the education and peer values in Mexico aren’t quite what I’d hope for my child. 

I’ve been trying to figure out what the plan is, because I HATE not having a plan. I always feel better when I have something to work towards. And it’s hard to figure out what to work towards when you don’t know where you’re going, what you’re doing, where you’re going to be living in the next few years. I basically just feel like I’m floating in life and I don’t like that feeling. 

So I’ve decided to go back to school for my MBA. Not a big shocker, I was going to do it two years ago but I had just finished my bachelors and I wanted a break. So that will at least make me feel like I’m working towards something, plus I want to set a good example for monk monk and I think that if she has an educated mama she’ll feel more of a need to get an education herself. 

But what about work? I have a good job right now, but most likely within the next year I’ll have to leave it… why? Because at times it feels like my family is falling apart here. Amor’s home sickness is so much at times that I feel like I don’t even know him anymore, and if I have to leave everything we have here to go back to Mexico and have the love and strong relationship that we had there, I will. Plus we’ve talked about spending next winter in Mexico for many different reasons, and I kind of want to explore that option a bit more than just giving it a quick thought and shoving into the “I wish I could” pile.

 

My mom asked me the other day, what do you love doing? I love baking, but I think that if I started a bakery, I wouldn’t like baking anymore because instead of it being a stress reliever, it would be a stress maker. I liked what I was doing in Mexico, but I think that it would be hard to get back into that, the opportunity just isn’t there anymore.. plus there is NO opportunity for that here in NY. It hit me though today, I like to write, and writing isn’t something that someone can force you to do on a day to day basis. Sure you can have a deadline.. or perhaps a topic that you have to write about.. but if you don’t feel like “working” for 8 hours every day, you don’t have to. You write when the inspiration hits. Of course I don’t expect to be the next JK Rowling but maybe I could make a little side money… I’ll have to explore that. 

 

Life is tiring, I have too little time with my daughter, I miss being warm, and I miss my husband, or at least the person my husband used to be. We haven’t been married long enough for me to feel this way and I’m looking for ways to fix it. Other than that life is great…

So happy and so sad.

Little girl came into the world on September 5th, 2012 weight 7 lbs 11 oz. I could stare at her all day… and I pretty much do. I’m still amazed that you can love someone so much that you literally just met. I know nothing about her, except that she poops like crazy, is ticklish and likes to sleep on her side. 

I don’t know what her favorite color will be, what kind of foods she’ll like, what kind of personality she’ll have or really anything about her. But I know that she is the most important thing in the world to me, her and Amor.. and of course the pup pups. 

 

Her being here though, and the fact that I have to go back to work on November 1 has been making me think lately that I really miss Mexico. It’s been pretty good all summer, the weather was warm and it made it easier not to think about how I miss my tropical little island.. but the weather is getting colder, and the fact that going back to work and leaving my perfect little girl all day long is looming, is really making me resent living here. In Mexico my job would have allowed me to stay with her all day every day. I feel like I’m going to miss so much. In just a week and a half she’s changed so drastically, I can’t imagine what I’ll miss while I sit behind a desk for 8.5 hours 5 days a week. Will I miss her first smile? Her first word? What if she gets more used to being with my grandmother (she’ll be the babysitter) than she is with me. What if she prefers to be with grandma instead of me? How will she ever learn spanish if the two spanish speakers are only around on the weekends.

I don’t want to go back to work, I just want to be with her forever. I know I’m not the only mother to ever feel like this, I’m sure every mother feels like this.. But I am one of the mothers who used to have a choice. My life before was so drastically different, it was a life that would have allowed me to do what I want to do. I know we don’t have a choice right now to go back.. but I want to.. so badly. Of course there are things I would have to give up here, mainly my family, but I’d be able to spend all day every day with my little baby, and enjoy the time before she grows up and wants nothing to do with me.. 

 

If we can make things work perfectly we’re looking at two more years here.. if things go realistically it’s probably going to be more like 3 years. My little girl will be 3 years old and I will have missed her first step, her first fall, her first boo boo, all of that will be taken care of by someone else. Someone who loves her, but someone who is not me and I don’t want that. 

Mundane

I feel like life is so boring. When I sit and think of being here and being in Mexico I feel like life was more colorful there. I know that’s not the case because if I remember very hard, I was very bored in Mexico a lot of the time, and netflix became one of my bestest friends, so I wonder why I have that perception even though I know for a fact that it’s not true.

I have two more years to figure out how to make a living while on the go because I think that amor and I both need to be able to spend at least part of the year in Mexico, but at the same time I need to be able to spend part of the time in NY and I think it’s important for our daughter to know both places and both families as well. The biggest challenge will be transporting the dogs, but they have to make a tranquilizer strong enough to make them sleep through a plane ride, right? Lol

Anyway, baby girl is due in 3 weeks and let me tell you, if she wants to come a bit sooner, I won’t be mad at her. I need to work until at least September 6th because I need that last pay period to accrue the vacation time I need in order to visit Isla for thanksgiving, but anytime after September 6 is absolutely fine with me. I miss my body, and being able to move like a normal person, and I miss having cute clothes, and being able to exercise. Of course I’m sure all this is worth it, because when all is said and done we’ll have a poopy little blob to take care of until she grows up a little more and becomes a trouble making toddler. But that’s ok cuz we’ll love her.

Fall is almost here and as much as I hate winter, I love fall. I’ve recently become addicted to pinterest, and finding fun fall recipes and decorations, and in 3 months we’re heading to Isla! So the next few months are going to be busy, fun, challenging and exciting, woo hoo!

So why has it been so hard?

I remember when people would talk about reverse culture shock and how hard it an be to re-adapt. They’d say that they “forgot” words in their native tongue and I would think so myself.. What is wrong with these people.

I never knew such a thing could really have such an impact on someone. I honestly didn’t think I’d have such a tough time re-adjusting to the place I lived for the first 20 years of my life, but I did and I still do have issues.
By the way I talk I think anyone would think that I have this opinion that everything in Mexico is perfect and that everything in NY sucks. I certainly don’t think that though. There are MANY things in Mexico that really bother me.. Always have always will, but there are also many things that I love about it.

There are many things that I love about NY, I’m sorry but there is nothing better than the Fall months.. But there are also some really big issues I have with the culture of the US as a whole, and that is where I’ve been having the hardest time adjusting.

I often wonder how successful I’ll be at teaching my daughter that she is not entitled like many children here think they are, and that she should always remember her cousins in Mexico who have much less than she will. I also wonder if I will be successful in installing strong family values in her, and respect for her elders. I hope that she can enjoy the best of both worlds and learn the cultures and languages of both countries, without packing up too many of the bad aspects of each.

I hope that in a few years we will have figured out how to spend time in each place each year rather than one of us having to give up out family. But for now I just hope that I don’t forget why I love Mexico so much, and that I continue to carry with me the lessons that I learned from living there.