I wish I had interesting things to write about, or beautiful pictures to post. I’m sure if I tried hard enough I could come up with stuff, but to be honest, I have no energy.
I am pretty sure that I am depressed, I don’t know if it’s a culture shock depression, a seasonal depression, or just a general depression, but I know I’m not happy. The symptoms are all there: always tired, no energy, lack of motivation, anger..
I hate the position that I am in, my daily schedule is tedious and tiring. I barely get to see my family and when I do I’m so tired/anxious/frustrated that the time is not really enjoyed. I have an appointment with my Dr in a few weeks to ask for a prescription for anti anxiety meds. The thought was I could use them when I fly, because I am a mess when I fly.. but lately I’ve been thinking they’d be handy in really a lot of my daily life.
I’ve been drinking a lot more than normal too.
I just really miss my life in Mexico. I miss so much about it. Of course there are lots of things that I don’t miss too, but just the general daily life I miss. I was happy when I was there. At the end I had convinced myself I wasn’t. But looking back, I was.
Our plans are getting more firm, we’ve made some commitments and told several people. We are going back to Isla next winter for 4 months. We have some hopes and some dreams and if we work hard enough they’ll come true. I don’t want to write about them here because honestly, I don’t want to jinx it. I’m living for next winter. Every day I think about it. I’m just existing right now and it’s really an awful feeling.
I told my husband today that we’ve switched places. He used to be like me all dark and depressed. Now he’s the happy one and I’m the one barely hanging on. Honestly if it weren’t for the fact that I have a child to take care of and really really loving husband with the feelings that I have right now I’d be in a tough place. Thank God for them. They make it worth while to put on a smile and pretend I’m ok.
Next winter can’t come fast enough. The countdown is at a little more than a year… It’s gonna be a long one.